you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
