You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
