OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
