woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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