Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
