Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
