Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
