Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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