She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
