I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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