Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
please don't ironically join a cult
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