Just fell off a train. Bad.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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