i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
