it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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