It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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