just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
