The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
