Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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