I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
