she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
