I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
