I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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