Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
