You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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