I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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