if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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