I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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