He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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