I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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