I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
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