I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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