Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Drake has all the answers
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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