As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Less talking, more tequila
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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