There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Randomize
