it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
