I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
