i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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