my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
