First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Randomize
