i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
