Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
