she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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