Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
