Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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