Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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