It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
