I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
