We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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