Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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