We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
