Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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