Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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