He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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