So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
